9 years:

After mustering up all my courage, I decided to post this. It took me months(?) or maybe weeks to finally post this. It’s just some thoughts of mine. Maybe I was thinking too much, maybe I was too sensitive. But I’m just gonna post this anyway because I really treasure this awesome sister of mine.

She’s not my friend, my close buddy nor my best friend. She is my family member. Yes, that’s where she stands. No one can really replace her in my heart. True enough, we have no blood relations. But family members are people whom we chose to be with and she is someone I have chosen to be my family member despite having no blood relations. Whenever people asked me who she is, I’ve always said that she is like family to me. I can’t live without her because she is really so damn important to me.

9 years, that’s how long we knew each other. There’s nothing I can’t do in front of her. Sleeping, snoring and doing things that embarrass myself - I believed I can do it in front of her. There’s nothing for me to hide when I’m with her. Honestly, I have never ever badmouthed her. All my friends knew how important she was to me so they can actually testify for me.

I’ve never kept anything from her except for one.. and the reason why I’m revealing it now is because I want to reveal my inner thoughts and feelings. I hate bottling up everything and making myself so upset. I dislike having the thought that our kinship is about to drift apart and yet I’m still keeping mum about it. Maybe you’ll see this post later, tomorrow, in the future or maybe you’ll never see it. But I do hope you see it before our Malaysia trip because I’m really looking forward to our Malaysia trip and I do not want to bring unwanted feelings with me.

It’s been weeks, maybe more than a month since I’m feeling this way. I chose not to say it because I’m afraid you would misunderstand my intentions. Anyway, maybe about a month ago, I came across a quote which says “It’s human nature to forget their old friends when they have new friends” and then it occurred to me that maybe it’s really human nature. It seems like you have new friends and maybe they are more outgoing, fun, crazy and all and that you prefer them more. Maybe I was thinking too much but somehow I felt that you no longer need me anymore. I just got the impression that you’ll be fine without me because you have them.

Actually, I thought as time goes by things will be fine but I guess it’s not really the way I want it to work out. You know, I’ve never doubted our friendship or you. I’ve always believed that our friendship will last forever even when we grow old and die. We used to say that we’ll eat ba chor mee in the theatre when we’re old, remember? Until this year… This year, I started having doubts. Sometimes it occurred to me that we might not even pull through this year or next year. I’ve never felt so insecure before. I tried thinking positively that we’ll really be fine and that I’m thinking way too much. But I supposed when these thoughts keep appearing then something is really wrong. I don’t understand why I’m feeling this way and the feeling gets stronger each time. I’m sad, really upset. Maybe you feel this way too but you’ve never brought it up.. But nevertheless, I want to clarify everything and set things right again.

To be honest, I’ve always felt that you appreciate them more - much more over me. Maybe because they are a huge bunch of people and you liked a clique more compared to 2 person only. Yeah, I know 2 person can’t do much together. We can’t hold a chalet, we can’t have the feeling of being in a clique, we can’t do many things together because we are only 2 person. Indeed, in a clique, you can do so much more because there are many people. You can have fun and be crazy because there’s so many people. Also, I’m not in your school so maybe many things you do in school I can’t comprehend because I’m not part of it. Maybe that’s why you prefer them more I guess?

In actual fact, I was quite dejected on your birthday. I’m really happy you turned 17 and you enjoyed your day but you know, when I saw your look before the birthday cake, I was so upset and disappointed. Did it ever occurred to you how much effort I put into your birthday? Apparently when I saw your look, I knew that it never occurred to you. I was in fact, absolutely and downright disappointed.

I wanted to talk to you about all these feelings I had actually. I attempted when we were at Macritchie but kind of failed. I could still remember that day clearly. I was so bothered by these feelings I couldn’t concentrate. So I texted you and asked you to go for a walk at Macritchie. I even went for a run before I met you. We sat at the bench and talked happily. And then, I finally mustered up all my courage and asked you “Do you think I’m treating you badly?” because I felt that maybe I’m feeling this way is because it is my fault. Maybe I neglected you and thus you find your friends better. You said “No”. I was so so so so happy at that moment did you know? Your replied totally brightened up my day and put my mind at ease because I knew that I still mattered to you. I went home with an ultra smile on my face. Actually, the question I really wanted to asked you that day was…”Do you feel that we are changing?” but I dared not to ask. I’m worried about your reply. What if the answer you gave was not the answer I want? So I did not asked. I was too afraid of being hurt.

Then, I attempted when we were at Far East Plaza. That was about a week ago. I said we didn’t really have heart-to-heart talks. Actually, I meant our inner feelings - how we really see each other and all. I’m really worried when I said this because I’m afraid you’re starting to dislike me and all. So I didn’t continue the topic.

Today, I’m finally bringing this up in the form of a post. I’m really afraid right now actually. It’s actually 3:13AM already.

Have we really changed?

(This post is just full of my inner feelings. I just want us to go Malaysia together happily and not have such thoughts. You could say that I’m being too sensitive and I’m thinking too much but I hope you know that you mean the world to me.)

@1 year ago